A Villain's Rant
by RazielLordOfSquirrels
Summary: Finally, after all those news stories on how 'heroic' Paragon's protectors are, a member of the Council writes this shocking article on the brutality within!


Injustice Maximus

By Comet Fist

Yes, yes, yes, we have heard all about the wonderful heroes and their daring do with their punching and shooting and launching of the minions into the air… but honestly, what about OUR side of the story? What about the villains' point of view? Does no one care of us?

Just because we plan your total destruction on an almost daily basis does not mean we don't have feelings, damn it!

I didn't realize how agitated this matter had been making me until I had been masterminding a quite simple rob-and-run of Crey Industries. As an elite member of the Council, it was imperative that I arrived personally to aid in the raid… an underling and I were holding a man hostage, when I started ranting to our captive about the sheer unfairness of it all!

As it turns out, the man I was holding was a psychologist, and he recommended I write an article about it, just before five heroes came charging through the door. Fifteen minutes, three broken bones and a bloody nose later, here I am in this damned jailcell. So, I have decided to take the man's words to heart and write an article about this total brutality of superheroes and the government.

Did you ever think, for just a moment, that the only reason we attack heroes on sight is because we _know_, with no uncertainty, that if we don't shoot first we might not get the chance to shoot at all. Half the heroes defending you weaklings are more unstable than we are!

For example, in the battle that got me in here, one of the heroes had an assault rifle, quite a complex one. How do I know this? Because from that single gun, I was shot with bullets, lit on fire, blown up with grenades, and hit with a beanbag!

A beanbag!

Honestly, that just adds insult to injury.

Another was some kind of martial artist, so in between getting shot, I was being kicked and punched until I felt black and blue all over. I would have fought back, but I couldn't quite move my legs… I'm betting it was that third hero in purple tights… he was giving me a funny look…

The point is that, on average, heroes cause more injury to villains than villains do to heroes! If a hero falls, they get transported to a state of the art medical facility where they are pampered and preened.

When we fall, the city assigns us a first-year medical student named Bill with the same coordination in his fingers as anyone else would have if they were wearing oven mitts, and medical supplies that consist of, in total, some antiseptics and a band-aid. Apparently we have to share the band-aid, which has reduced it to a dreadful state…

Why? Yes, we chose the path of darkness, yes we are the scum of the scum, the worst of the worst, but we're all people too! Well, except the Rikti, I suppose… and the Devouring Earth… and half of the Freakshow… and the Lost, to a point… and I sometimes have my doubts about Crey, with their outfits…

All right, some of us are people! And being people means we have basic rights! Yes, I have been told the irony of hiding behind the law after breaking it so many times, but I was told all this by judges and juries, so they can bugger off.

Honestly, we never even videotape these heroes in action! I assure you, if you did, you would be shocked with what goes on! I bet the heroes steal staplers from the offices they save… but I don't see anyone strip-searching them, so why do we have to be put through it!

'Suicide bomb device' is not a good enough excuse! I have extreme modesty, and I don't like being stripped down by two large men named John and Paul, and then having photographs taken. Documentation my foot, I bet this is for the simple purpose of blackmail…

And worst of all… during all that, SOMEONE STOLE MY WATCH.

And another thing… PLEASE can you make these heroes a tad more educated, for our sakes? It makes the whole thing a lot less damaging to our self-esteem… I mean, once, about a year ago, I had planted a large Rikti energy bomb under the city, planning to detonate it. Of course, because the universe has a grudge, I was stopped, though I managed to escape.

Now, I would have liked to have been defeated by an intelligent, creative hero, one I could tip my combat helmet to in a sign of respect and admiration. But no, the man who stopped me had a vocabulary consisting of three words; 'Smash' and 'You weak.'

You have no idea how painful it is to see three months of planning, two months of gathering needed funds and one month of negotiating with stranded Rikti go completely down the drain at the hands of a man as large as a house, as smart as a mouse, and as likable as a louse. I mean, the man had more body hair than a gorilla, glowing green eyes, and was wearing pink. Pink! That was painful enough!

And don't get me started on the jail cells…

Dark, dank, depressing, dirty, degrading. Yes, the same pretty much describes our underground bases, but the difference is we have no CHOICE. We're chased to the ends of the earth, so we have to make do with what is offered! The jails, on the other hand, are GOVERNMENT FUNDED, so they should have loads of choices! For example, at least ONE air freshener. I share a cell with a Lesser Devourer, and I've nearly fainted from the smell alone.

Someone must stop this utter disgrace to our organization… someone must take a stand, stare authority straight in the eye and say 'I refuse to lie down and take this.'

Well? Why the bloody hell are you just sitting there? You didn't think I was talking about MYSELF, were you? Get up! Get paper! Write to your congressman!

Get us more band-aids!


End file.
